Now You Listen Here Internet!!!

 I’m fed up of you constantly reminding me I’m single.

 I genuinely don’t mind that I am. 

 Most of the time I enjoy my freedom. 

So,

 Stop targeting your adverts at me just because my social networks state I’m single.

 I don’t want to join a dating website,

 I don’t want to “get ladies - get a six pack in two weeks with legal steroids”,

 I don’t want a willy pump to impress potential mates,

and although not entirely positive, I am pretty sure that I’m not so repulsive that I  would have to resort to ordering a Russian bride, who might I add, would probably  look nothing like the picture (she was pretty hot).

 
 Please stop trying to make me feel like I need to meet total strangers or change myself entirely in order to have a fulfilling life. If I genuinely needed a girlfriend that badly I would start to put more effort in. 

  How about targeting me some adverts for tasty pancake recipes or something?

 Your Friend,

  Me.

P.S. Now that I think about it, if you could find me a Russian bride with a certificate stating she was the worlds greatest (i’d probably settle for second or third best) pancake maker, I might actually be interested. Let me know.